4:30 a.m.It is foggy... still... beautiful... deep... dark... rich... enveloping.
Happy April Fool's Day.
Speaking of fools, I've been contemplating love and longing. It's so easy for me to give love, and that is always an unconditional act on my part (read any of my posts that mention John and you'll understand that with great clarity), far less easy for me to hold back on wanting to. What invites longing in us? What turns us into willing prisoners? What generates that chest tightening, my-heart-is-about-to-burst feeing? And... why the hell is it so difficult to ignore? It's more difficult than trying to not think about an orange.
"...then forget everything you ever heard about love
for it's a summer tan and a winter windburn
it comes like your face came to you,like your legs came
and the way you walk, talk, hold your head and hands -
and nothing can be doen about it - you wait and pray."
~Carl Sandburg, Honey and Salt
Sandburg knew. Most of us know the undefinable agony of love's longing. Some are willing to take a big bite out of that bittersweet flavor, some are not. Some dive in, warning unheeded; some stand on the ledge in fear of the free fall. Me? I'm a diver. I always seem to take the risk and jump. (Alas, passion is the benchmark of my Scorpio nature.) No risk, no reward, right? No pain, no gain. I don't wait to see if it's going to be accepted - that's like opening the parachute before you leave the plane. Occasionally it leads to disaster, but I've never felt that I've been left in ruin.
"Let's go get the shit kicked out of us by love."
~Love Actually
For me, it's not about reciprocation. It's only about being allowed. There is huge freedom in another giving me the latitude to express my feelings. Yeah, sure, being who I am, I'll express regardless of the acceptance or allowance, but when those are proffered... what a gift; what a treasure.
Once more into the breach, dear friends...
It takes courage to broadcast your thoughts at 4:30 AM. As an early riser,I understand the zen clarity that infuses ones being 1/2 way through the first cup of coffee. Work demands are 4 hours away. The collective conciousness is idling and can answer the most profound queries with a shrug and an effete wave.
ReplyDeleteThe nature of love?
My experience tells me certain people can please any one of our senses: A waitress turning just right and well lit.
An Okie Madonna with Child, dirty but placid and self-contained.
Walking in a mall catching a whiff of citrus with a human sultry base note.
A hearty Laugh from across a party.
An anonymous hand brushing the base of my neck.
Tasting a dish so complex yet simple and conveying perfectly an understanding of all ingredients involved.
For lack of a better word I have "loved" each of these individuals.
Each makes me ponder(in the words of Steve Goodman) Is this what it feels like at the top of the slide?
Do I leave this moment alone and add it to the album or do take the next step? Because at each step, like a hiker crossing a river hopping from one unknown rock to the next, there is the chance it will tip and either just get your shoes wet or dump you in and sweep you away.
The possibility of Love is what tightens our chest because it carries with it the chance of loss of our bourgeoning interest,expectation and illusions.
Love is what happens after the test of time.
Thanks, I knew if I threw words around long enough I would arrive at place I felt comfortable.
(Hey, maybe true love is 2 people letting each other stumble around,withholding comment until a conclusion is reached.)
Wow. Profound words, thank you.
ReplyDeleteUnmask, pizzachance... who are you? Drop me an email, por favore.
B
Yeah I can also say the clarity of thought at 4:30 am is a somewhat interesting one - normally it's from being awake from the night before - insomniacial clarity that it brings, you've read my poetry - some of that was 4am work or just hitting the "zen" point where everything just fits..
ReplyDeleteOh and this is also to say mum says "Thank you", the gift arrived today..