Monday, April 14, 2008

Ad Risum

How did it get to be Monday again already?! I need another weekend. Yesterday I attacked the outdoors, as opposed to my usual communing with it. I raked a bit, relocated some eyesore lumber, and then mowed. My gimpy knee loves me, and is letting me know loud and clear, albeit it's a rather unorthodox version of love... we kind of have an S&M relationship. But, at least I feel I can leave my house again without ignominiously donning some kind of mysterious Greta Garbo garb, and sneaking out when it's dark. Next weekend I may just have to attack the garage. What am I saying?! Oy... where's that frontal lobotomy when I need it most?

"Why does anyone need to buy luggage when we've got all this extra baggage?"

I've been reading personal ads lately, mostly because they're just flat out amusing. I'm just wicked enough that I take great pleasure in "grading papers." I've actually contemplated starting a service to help people write intelligent, cogent personal ads, kind of like those companies that help write resumes. Anyway, one of the things that always makes me shake my head are the ads that have lines such as, "Be drama free. No baggage." Well, hell. Does anyone make it past five years old anymore without baggage?! And, "drama free"...?! This is life, people! I'd like to see what kind of bubble anyone lives in who is without some kind of drama in their life. Let's just ignore the cliche of those two requirements - the expectation alone is ridiculous enough.

Here's a copy of the ad that I've posted a couple of times now. It's gotten great response (along with some outlandishly stupid responses) and I've met some interesting people because of it:
When you respond to my ad...

... please, only write one line. Better yet, just send me a pic of yourself, with stats of your height and weight. Yeah, that'll really rock my world. No, no... don't trouble yourself with witty repartee or intelligent reference to anything that might be going on in your world. If you must be verbose, send me a canned response, because I'm so shallow that all I really care about is the standard cliche that you're "HWP, successful and drama-free." It would also be beneficial if you wouldn't even bother to be inquisitive about me beyond what I look like with my clothes off. Pretend I don't even have a brain, assume that communication is not the key to a relationship. Also, presume that all I'm looking for (in posting here) is sex, so it's just fine and dandy that you're married, because I'm so freekin' desperate that I'm ready to jump the nearest fence post.

Prefer that I be petite and pretty, or tall and lithe. Require that I wear dresses and look good in high heels. No truly good woman ever merely looks average or wears jeans. Demand that I be drama-free as well, because everyone knows that people who make it to 46 years old and either have, or have had, drama in their lives are flat out losers. Life is a breeze, after all.

Ridiculous standards, huh? I don't hold anyone to them. If you don't either, maybe we should communicate. It could just be that I'm the sharp-tongued, independent, life-loving, smart-ass gal you've been looking for.

I got a surprising number of responses that did, in fact, only include a picture, height and weight of interested suitors. Evidently sarcasm and context are lost on some people. Ah well... You can lead a horse to Barb, but you can't make 'em think.

People have such unrealistic "laundry lists" when it comes to what they're looking for in a mate, and then they whine, "Where are all the good men/women? Why can't I find someone?" Well, Dudes and Dudettes, it's because you're meeting the world with blinders on. You're likely shutting out the perfect person for you simply because they have the wrong hair color, or because they're 5'10" and not 5'11". Be real. What's more, be realistic. Demanding outright that someone "must have" or "must be" limits everything. In my eyes, it also makes the seeker look awfully shallow.

Anyway, it's fun and interesting to see what people will put out there. I could write a book. I should write a book. Several. Then I can post an ad reading, "Must enjoy hanging on my every word...."

1 comment:

  1. Oh Barb,
    You are wicked you know, I spun back a few posts and the way you describe yourself, you could kinda be describing ME and very accurately at that, now that SCARED me, that someone who I barely know, come on we've hardly scratched the surface so to speak, could accurately write that about themselves but also about others.
    Yes my mouth does get me in trouble but I get out of it just as quick.
    I do the 0-biatch in well it take time to build up a head of steam but once it's built - DUCK :D


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