How long before I get in
Before it starts before I begin
How long before you decide
Before I know what it feels like
Where to, where do I go?
If you never try then you'll never know
How long do I have to climb
Up on the side of this mountain of mine
~Coldplay, Speed of Sound
I fell into a 111 minute phone call with Timothy last night. Thanks all the gods for unlimited long distance. We talked about everything from relationships to patio furniture. No shit. Sometimes the canvas our conversation is as surreal as a Magritte painting. But, he's one of the very few people on earth to whom I could say anything (and do) without compunction or fear of recourse.
At one point conversation circled around to this blog (I still hate that word). He said, "That blog is the best thing you could have done for yourself. I love that you just decided to do it and threw something out there. And look where it's gone, look what it's given you. And others." Amen, Bruddah T... amen. I never expected it to add such rich texture to my life. I never expected it to be so therapeutic. He went on to say, "I love that you just say whatever you need to, or feel like saying. You don't worry about how someone is going to take it. You just lay it out there and let 'em deal." And, to be certain, that's been the biggest boon out of all of this for me - the ability to let my thoughts fly, the freedom to run naked. All my life I held back on stuff that was in my head for fear of... what?! Now I can't. I couldn't if I tried. It's been an amazing gift for me.
Sure, much of that comes from having the worst that could happen to me (my perception) actually happen. I wouldn't wish that kind of trial by fire on anyone. At the same time, I'm glad I've been put through it - even, I would go so far as to say, honored that I was the one chosen to be so cruelly tested. I'm still standing. I'm not just talking about what I went through with John; it's all of the events in my life that have led me to this point. I'm talking about 46 years of this meandering path that has, by turns, led me through wasteland and lush groves. I wouldn't trade a minute.
So, read on. I keep waking up expecting to find that the well has run dry, but I don't think it's gonna...
Look up, I look up at night
Planets are moving at the speed of light,
Climb up, up in the trees
Every chance that you get is a chance you seize
How long am I gonna stand
With my head stuck under the sand
I'll start before I can stop
Before I see things the right way up.
~Coldplay, Speed of Sound