No, I didn't write yesterday. My mind was thoroughly whelmed over with so many thinks that I couldn't consolidate any of it into a single coherent thought worthy of spouting. I was hit by a massive rogue wave Monday night, largely thanks to a very nice note I got from the hospice folks. They urged me to "be gentle" with myself as John's Yarzeit approaches (Yarzeit is yiddish for the anniversary of the death of a loved one). "Be gentle?" I thought. "How is anything about this gentle?!" And I'm never ever gentle with myself. I'm forgiving of anyone else's humanity but my own.
This triggered all of the old home movies playing in my head... with a vengeance. And I found myself lost at sea. Had it not been for some very good folks lending kind ears (or eyes as the case was, since it was all done via email), and proving to be excellent flotation devices, I surely would have drown in all the salt water. (Gypsies do much better on solid ground.)
One of the most beautiful communiques I received was from Tonto. She claims she's not a writer, but I don't know many who are quite as elloquent and erudite as she. I had written a short note telling her that I was sorry I'd been AWOL from our normal rampant communication, and "I barely slept last night... too many thinks in my head.... replaying "old movies" from life last year at this time. I'm a bit of an emotional wreck, but I'll get through it."
She has given me permission to post her beautiful reply.
It's okay that you are AWOL, I more than understand...actually I have been pretty much that lately as well...
I am so sorry that you are having to relive and rewind all of what happened a year ago over and over...I can't even imagine what it is doing to you...and I wish there were something that I could do or say that would help ease it for you...it's horrible enough that it happened, but when it starts taking control of your sleep and your waking thoughts, it's got to be nerve wracking...and a "bit of an emotional wreck" is probably a very large understatement right now...
Yes buddy you will get through it, but, it's gonna be rough road to revisit, and your mind is going to take you there no matter how hard you would rather that it didn't...your love for John was profound and complete, and maybe your subconscious Barb has got to go back there to reinforce the strength and courage and wisdom that it took for you to come through the most horrible experience your soul has ever had to deal with...you are not only reliving the horror of it, you are also reliving the deep love you shared with him, and for him, at the end of his days...maybe you are supposed to do this so that you can know how much you helped him and eased his fears and let him know that it was okay to slip from this world into the next, whatever that might be...you held his hand and his heart until it was time to go, knowing that your love covered him and surrounded him in a soft cushion for his journey. You did everything right, maybe that is why you are having to go back and feel and see it all again. That maybe just maybe this is not some terrible punishment from the gods that you are having to step back in time and all the pain and hurt come flooding back to you, maybe it's to show you that you took this precious gift of John's love, and you did everything in your power to protect it, respect it, enhance it, cherish it, comfort it, rely on it, and that it's still and always will be foremost in your heart.
Big ol' loving hugs to you,
Wow. I've read that at least ten times now, and I'm still floored by it. Is it any wonder that she's Tonto to my 'Sabi?
To all of you who so kindly held my virtual hand yesterday. Thank you. Thank you for plugging up all of the little holes in my shabby ol' life raft and keeping me afloat. I'm ok. (I'm just a little dinghy.) Today is a better day.