Saturday, February 16, 2008

Pressure Point

So, ok... I put a lot of pressure on myself. I'm impatient with my own failings, with my own frailty. Hell, I'm impatient with my impatience. It's all on me. I can forgive anyone's humanity, but my own... not so much.

Bear with me here, I'm self-spelunking as I write.

I was talking to a coworker yesterday who is totally stressed out about not doing a good enough job - at work, at home, at anything. I told her to lighten up on herself. As I heard my own words, I thought... who am I to be giving such advice without living it? And how do I do that? How do I lighten up on myself? If I don't hold myself accountable and responsible, who will? And what are the limits to that necessity. Where's the breaking point? I don't know. I really don't know.

I recognize where much of that feeling comes from, but that doesn't change the feeling any. It comes from being the child of an alcoholic, and growing up with the notion that if I was just good enough, if I was better, he'd stop drinking and everything would be ok. Even though I know that's a fallacy, even though I know I wasn't ever responsible for Dad tipping the bottle, I still have the feeling today that if I'm just good enough, everything will be ok.

And what's good enough? And what's ok?

I was asked what I fear. I said, "I fear nothing." That's only a mostly true statement. I don't fear anything the universe is going to throw at me. I only fear not being good enough. Or maybe it's the fear of not recognizing what it is that's good enough.

Aggh. My crowded brain.

I know the principles: Live in the moment; Live well and fully; Love unconditionally; Find truth; Foster beauty; Dance the dance of the eclectic soul; Sing out the unsung. Added to that, perhaps, 'forgive the unforgivable humanness of my own self.' Maybe that will be good enough and everything will be ok.
You have to learn to pace yourself
You're just like everybody else
You've only had to run so far
So good
But you will come to a place
Where the only thing you feel
Are loaded guns in your face
And you'll have to deal with
~Billy Joel, Pressure

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