Monday, October 18, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day Twelve

Day Twelve - Something you never get compliments on.

Hah! Um. Sorry, but the topic is just making me laugh. So, okay. I'm ready for a good laugh... especially after 11 days of soul spelunking in this friggin' emotional 30 Day Roller Coaster Ride. Christ in a sidecar... enough already!

This reminds me of an incident a couple of decades ago. While my Mom was visiting me in Maryland she went out for a walk. Upon her return, she looked a little shook up. Concerned, I asked, "How was your walk, Mom?" "Oh... well... it was okay." "Really? You look a little upset..." "Well, as I was walking, a woman approached me from the opposite direction. I smiled at her like I do with everyone when I'm out. She got within a couple of feet of me and gave me a nasty look. Then she said, 'You've got skinny arms, lady! Skinny, ugly arms!' I just... I'm... I didn't think my arms were so bad..."

Oh! And another time. Someone once told me that I reminded him "of his cousin who died. In a good way." I've never bothered to parse that one out.

Something I never get compliments on. Too easy. I thought this was supposed to be a challenge. How about twelve somethings? One for each day of Day Twelve. Why not?! The Twelve Days of Somethings. Woo. That'll be quite enough caffeine for you, Barbara Ann!

Twelve Somethings I Never Get Compliments On
How To Be As Sarcastic As Barb In 12 Easy Lessons:

1) My ass. I mean. C'mon. Like Rudolph's red nose, it's going to take an extreme circumstance. Songs will be written, movies will be made.

2) My moments of indecision. Can't someone just once say, "I love it when you can't make up your fuckin' mind! Do it again!"

3) I never hear, "Damn, woman! That is one righteous chin hair!" No. Instead you've got to absentmindedly do this niggly wiggly thing at your own chin while staring at mine. Okay. So I'm not a consistent plucker. Truth is, those little pluckees are sneaky.

4) "I know you don't get these mood swings often, but when you do, it is awesome to see! Watching you go from happy to pissed in 5 seconds flat is just cool!"

5) "You're an atheist? How absolutely admirable! You go, Girl!!!"

6) "Thank you for making me feel guilty. I'm so pleased you did that."

7) "Sweetheart, I love that you're such a somnambulantly amped monkey. I adore you all the time, but particularly when you manage to toss all the covers off of me during your middle of the night frenzies. Really, My Love, there is nothing that endears you to me more than when I wake up freezing my ass off."

8) This is not going to happen. Ever. "I love how artfully you've arranged all the dust in your house! It so finely coats everything. Just beautiful."

9) "Clearly menopause has done wonderful things for you, Barb. Bravo!"

10) "I love, love, LOVE your snoring! It completely drowns out the incessant, obnoxious noise of the leaves rustling on the breeze. And jets."

11) "Hey, I've got an idea! Let's watch a musical together! There's nothing so heartwarming and lovely as you singing along to... every... single... song."

12) "That's not part of a Hobbit costume for Halloween? Those really are your feet?! How cool is that?! Damn. I'm jealous."


  1. LMFAO!!! Effing funny Barb....too bad it wasn't you that killed the could've added "death by elbow" to the list! Thank you for the mountain dew spewing chortle!!


  2. This perhaps has been the most epic post I have ever read by anybody.

  3. Laughing out loud....truly. And now my staff thinks I am bonkers. Well, they likely already thought that....

  4. this. Oh, and cross one off the list, because i love the fact that you're an atheist, too. You go, girl!


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