Friday, October 1, 2010
30 Days of Truth: Day One
Easy. Easy to pick that one thing, difficult to change it.
I hate that I'm fat. I've always been fat, or chubby, or overweight, or whatever term you want to use. Me? I call it like it is. I'm fat.
I have, at various times in my life, worked on changing that. I've even been moderately successful a couple of times. But here I am. Fat.
I'm not whining about that. So hear me out before you get indignant and self-righteous and holler, "Well, get off the damn computer, start moving, and quit eating so fucking much!" Hear me out. Please. I also don't need advice. Trust me. After nearly 49 years of being fat, I've practically got a degree in nutrition. It's not that I don't know better, it's a matter of implementing.
I'm self-confident. I don't hate being fat because I worry what others will think. I'm smart enough and adult enough to understand that we all have an addiction, we all have a downfall. For us fatties, our addiction and issues are merely more visible than those of others. I'm not lazy or sloppy or smelly. I'm just fat.
Part of the problem for me is that I can't just give up eating. I can give up anything. I have that kind of will power. If I could just walk away from food forever, there wouldn't be any issue.
I'm not an emotional eater. Although there was a time when, I believe, I used fat as a way to hide from the world. "If I'm hideous no one will love me, thereby proving my stance that I am unlovable, thereby making success at hiding from the world that much easier." These days I eat simply because I love to eat. I love flavors and textures. I know. I know. I could just as easily get that flavor and texture pleasure from a salad as a bowl of nut-filled ice cream. But, oh... that ice cream. You see how it is. My hedonistic Scorpio self takes over and goes for the ultimate pleasure.
I hate this fatness because I know it is destructive. It's absolutely unhealthy. I hate it because I know it is counter-intuitive to everything I want from my life and everything I feel about life. I hate it because I know it's wrong and I allow myself to stay stuck anyway.
Well. No more. It changes today. Beginning the first of every month, my posts will be about weight loss and goals and where I hang (or plop) in the balance. Enough said.
Posted by Barb Black at 6:00:00 AM