Friday, October 1, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day One

Day One - Something you hate about yourself.

Easy. Easy to pick that one thing, difficult to change it.

I hate that I'm fat. I've always been fat, or chubby, or overweight, or whatever term you want to use. Me? I call it like it is. I'm fat.

I have, at various times in my life, worked on changing that. I've even been moderately successful a couple of times. But here I am. Fat.

I'm not whining about that. So hear me out before you get indignant and self-righteous and holler, "Well, get off the damn computer, start moving, and quit eating so fucking much!" Hear me out. Please. I also don't need advice. Trust me. After nearly 49 years of being fat, I've practically got a degree in nutrition. It's not that I don't know better, it's a matter of implementing.

I'm self-confident. I don't hate being fat because I worry what others will think. I'm smart enough and adult enough to understand that we all have an addiction, we all have a downfall. For us fatties, our addiction and issues are merely more visible than those of others. I'm not lazy or sloppy or smelly. I'm just fat.

Part of the problem for me is that I can't just give up eating. I can give up anything. I have that kind of will power. If I could just walk away from food forever, there wouldn't be any issue.

I'm not an emotional eater. Although there was a time when, I believe, I used fat as a way to hide from the world. "If I'm hideous no one will love me, thereby proving my stance that I am unlovable, thereby making success at hiding from the world that much easier." These days I eat simply because I love to eat. I love flavors and textures. I know. I know. I could just as easily get that flavor and texture pleasure from a salad as a bowl of nut-filled ice cream. But, oh... that ice cream. You see how it is. My hedonistic Scorpio self takes over and goes for the ultimate pleasure.

I hate this fatness because I know it is destructive. It's absolutely unhealthy. I hate it because I know it is counter-intuitive to everything I want from my life and everything I feel about life. I hate it because I know it's wrong and I allow myself to stay stuck anyway.

Well. No more. It changes today. Beginning the first of every month, my posts will be about weight loss and goals and where I hang (or plop) in the balance. Enough said.

5 comments:

  1. I say ALL the time that we all have flaws, mine is just a visible one.
    I'm not an alcoholic, I'm not mean, I don't harbor racist or bigot ideals, I'm just fat. It's honestly no different than my kids haivng black skin, or my husband having a red beard, or any other physical trait. I place no more emphasis on it than I do on the fact that my hair is beer colored, or my eyes are grey. What.ever.
    This is me, like it or leave it.
    And I LOVE you Barb-o-rama...even if you DON'T like nicknames.*grin*

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  2. yay for you to call it like it is. i call mine "wait". waiting for life to begin, that i know you're not. did you ever read the book by julia cameron "The Writing Diet". I need to get back to it...have to get up and do the morning pages again! have a blessed day! :) looking forward to your post manana! did you read mine? i did it too!

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  3. i have been fat most of my life, too, except when i got cancer in my teens - at my lowest weight i was 109 lbs. and had a 28" waist (!). That may not sound that small, but for my body it was absolutely tiny. i mean, my eyes were sunken in. But guess what? i still looked in the mirror and thought i was a cow. That experience taught me a lot, though not until later in life did i realize it. i'm now the heaviest i've ever been, but i also have a lot more confidence than i used to.
    Some people could eat burgers and fries everyday yet stay skinny due to their metabolism, while another person could live on salad and never get skinny. It pisses me off when people want to point the finger at a fat person, but say nothing of the other guy shoveling in all the food he can while not gaining a pound. Really it all comes down to what we see with our eyes, when we should see with our hearts. Sounds lame, but it's true.
    i'm with Dana - "This is me, like it or leave it."
    i know i need to be more mindful of healthy eating, too, and i wish you the best of luck on your journey. But please don't forget to allow yourself an indulgence or three sometimes!

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  4. Thanks guys. This is so absolutely NOT about how I look, but about how I feel. I know I feel a lot better when I weigh less, so I need to. I don't need to be "skinny" by any stretch. A lot of that for me is getting proper exercise. I can indulge if I'm moving... and lately I'm not moving much.

    Marina, yes I did... good for you!

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  5. Hey Barb,
    Welcome to the T2H's party!
    I happen to be one of those people that you'd probably hate...
    a slim person with a nose-bleed high metabolism that can eat everything in sight and not gain a pound.
    This is the first post of yours that I've read but I plan to read more! From one coffee junkie to another... I like your candor and your style! :-)

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