Tuesday, October 5, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day Three

Day Three - Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Ouch. Do I have to do this?

I've forgiven myself for so much already.

*sigh*

Okay. Okay. Okay.

I forgive myself for expecting myself to be perfect even though I know there's not a snowball's chance in Hell of that ever happening. I didn't realize how often I put myself through that particular ringer until the other day when I read Dan Pearce's post on Single Dad Laughing: The Disease Called "Perfection".

I forgive myself for not being perfect, but more for expecting myself to be perfect. My understanding of forgiveness is that once it is given, the matter is left behind, buried and done.

I am not perfect and that's okay. I forgive myself for that. In light of part of Dan's post, here is my "wake-up call" list:

I am not the only one who eats too much, who doesn't always take care of herself.
I am not the only one who gets tempermental and snaps instead of taking a deep breath first.
I am not the only one who has ever done anything wrong.
I am not the only one who has allowed myself to be victimized.
I am not the only one who has ever resented someone for dying because it left me with such a huge pocket of grief.
I am not the only one who finds it impossible to believe in God.
I am not the only one to ever feel completely worthless.
I am not the only one to ever break somebody's heart.
I am not the only one who gets down, gets emotional, and feels the need to hide it from everybody.

Most importantly. I'm not the only one who just wants to be loved.

I forgive myself for wanting to be loved.

That's it. I've just figured it out right here in front of all of you.

At the crux of everything else, everything I've ever done, all the imperfect perfection and relentlessness...

I simply want to be loved.

I forgive myself that.

Because I am loved.

(27 more days of this, huh? Oy vey.)

4 comments:

  1. Well, i love you! And i love that you're doing this. Hell, i just love your blog, period. It's so refreshing to read your words - your honesty and openness inspire me to be better.

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  2. So often your blog posts leave me speechless Barb. All I can say now is 'yes'.

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  3. loved your honest, beautiful post! let's do another i love you unconditionally day! :) i could forgive myself for needing to be loved too. it has helped me to make a few poor choices. at least we know this about ourselves now so we can make different choices :) i'm grateful for you!!

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