I'm a hypocrite. I don't believe in marriage. At all. (Read all about it here.) Yet I just celebrated, with great joy, one of my very best friend's marriage. Really, I couldn't be more thrilled for them. The pictures made me cry.
BUT...
I don't believe a union needs to be sanctified by any church.
I don't believe a union needs to be acknowledged by a government.
Gone are the days when such a union meant protecting and/or receiving property. Gone are the days when a partner was considered chattel (thank all the gods).
A couple of weeks ago a friend of Steve's was over. They were working on a project until the wee hours of the morning. As midnight approached and I wandered through the living room, the friend looked at me and said, "I'm sorry for taking your husband away from you for the evening... I mean... your.. uh... your boyfriend... uh... your man... Shit. I'm sorry." I had to laugh. Steve and I chuckled over the moment and his buddy's discomfort the next day. I said, to me it doesn't matter what the titles are - if two people are together, then they're together.
Still, I search for an adequate way to define him as "my man." I don't like the use of partner (for straight or gay purposes) because it sounds too cold, like a business relationship. I don't like boyfriend, girlfriend because that makes it sound like I should have some yarn wrapped around his class ring so it fits on my finger. I tend to use mate, but only because it's the closest I can come to something that works for me, something that catches the primeval thing within each of us that binds us together. We're mated. For life. Still, "mate" makes it sound as though we're swinging from the chandeliers having wild jungle sex. Not that I'm opposed or disinclined. Also, "mate" in certain cultures simply refers to someone as a friend, and he's far more than my friend. Lover? Sounds as though we're sneaking off to motels during the day... again, not opposed or disinclined. But... *sigh*
What was the question?
Sure, let 'em get married if that's what they want. Why the hell not? Are they going to be any more or less together either way? No. And if they've found love and they want an official binding of that love, groovy. I'll dance at the wedding and eat the cake, hypocrite that I am. Because the whole time I'll be thinking they could have skipped all the bourgeois crapola, gone to Cabo instead, held hands and kissed on the beach, and kept it at, "I love you. You love me. Let's be us. Always." Done deal.
Barb, thanks for the birthday wishes! Good to know I'm not the only slightly skewed person out there!
ReplyDeleteHmmm...I don't know you well enough to call you slightly skewed, do I? However, I've already read enough of your stuff to know that you're my kind of people, therefore you are probably, probably, slightly skewed. Which I consider a very good thing. Hopefully you'll see this for the compliment that it is (in my world, anyway).
Secondly, I don't think that celebrating someone's marriage while not believing in them is hypocrisy. You celebrate their happiness, not the fact that they've struck a contract together.
I've been of the opinion for many years that marriage is a contract and a way for people to claim the other person as theirs. I agree that you don't have to have the legalities to be a couple, whether gay or straight, and that it's a person's choice. Marriage may be a deterrent to immorality, but certainly is no guarantee, and that has struck me as being the main reason for people still doing it (as a reason to prevent the other from possible cheating, and yes, I'm a little cynical). Otherwise, couldn't you just stand under the stars together and talk to God and ask for his blessing?
And never underestimate the power of cake. I'd go just for the cake! Someone invite me to their wedding, please....
Exactly. You said it prefectly. The next time someone asks P. and i why we aren't married, i'll point them here. And it is difficult to find the right word to use. More often than not, i say "husband". But it's confusing for them later, and they're already confused by the idea that we're not married.
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