Tuesday, July 29, 2008

The Weighting Is The Hardest Part

"Complicate this world you wrapped for me
I'm acquainted with your suffering
And all your weight it falls on me
It brings me down
And all your weight it falls on me
It falls on me
Hold me up to those whom you've deceived
Promises you break you still believe
And all your weight it falls on me
It brings me down
And all your weight it brings me down
It brings me down
"
Collective Soul, Heavy

Being the empathic and empathetic person I am, it hurts when I can't help someone, when I can't seem to make a difference. I'm all about making people feel better, making their lives better. When I'm disallowed I get sad; when my best attempts aren't good enough I get frustrated. Such has been my mood for the past two days. All I want to do is make it better and there's nothing I can do - I can't change the lightbulb because it doesn't want to change.


And the Greek chorus sings: Oh what the hell doth she speak of?!

I have a dear friend who is, seemingly, bent on destroying his life. He acknowledges the problem, has even reached out for help, but then pushes back when help is proffered. I can't imagine how distressing it is to be inside his mind, to want nothing but to dull the noise, but he goes about it in all the wrong ways. He knows that, and he knows how to change it, but...

*sigh* I know he's been put in my path for a reason. I admire him on so many intellectual levels, and the guy has tremendous heart. So, who am I in all this? What dragon have I been sent to slay? Where is it? Where's my trusty sword? I don't know. It's hard to know. Mental illness and alcoholism are vicious "muthahs." I just want to lend the dude some feisty gypsy spirit. I want to see him shine - I know it's in there. But I feel helpless, inept, inadequate. I hate that.

Sure, I know. Just being there is something. But for me, just being there isn't enough - nowhere near enough, and it never has been. If someone is in my circle, I'm the lioness that will fight the hyenas to the death, need be it. But, how do I fight a ghost-hyena? How do I fight an invisible entity? How do I fight for someone else's spirit?!

I don't know and it brings me down. Still... I'm here. I'm here. I'm here. I'll do whatever it takes, please the gods. Let me help, let me be a shelter. Give the dude a break from the reign.

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