Filter Change

Mama said "think before speaking"
No filter in my head
Oh, what's a boy to do
I guess he better find one
I'm never speaking up again
It only hurts me
I'd rather be a mystery
Than she desert me
Oh I'm never speaking up again
Starting now... Starting now...
One more thing
Why is it my fault?
John Mayer, My Stupid Mouth

No filtering system, c'est moi. Can't tell you how many times my alligator mouth has gotten my sparrow ass in trouble. My valor never did shake hands with discretion. Some applaud my outspoken manners, others shy from 'em. Shy from 'em? Nah... more like run screaming for the hills. And I'm not just talking about when I say something direct and pertinently harsh to a given situation. Even when I'm being lighthearted and humorous I often get The Look. You've seen it (you've maybe even given it... maybe even to me...), the one that says, "Ye Gods, what is wrong with that woman?! Is she off her meds?!"

As for me, I've learned to live with it. I've learned to live with the notion of often having to hang-doggedly say (later), "Hey, I didn't mean to offend..." or, if I'm feeling particularly feisty, "Y'know... that's just me, and if you don't get it, learn to deal." Either way, as mentioned before, I think Barb was a very apt name for me.

I don't know where the balance is any more. As previously discussed, I used to be extremely shy and said nothing about anything - wouldn't say shit if I had a mouthful, as the saying goes (unless absolutely pushed and then all the wrong things would come out in a nonsensical blurt). Now, I can't seem to keep it in - whether angry, funny, sad, basic blather, what have you. Nor do I really want to... it's just... I'd like it if folks didn't take me sooooo friggin' seriously. I don't! I've been told (by my closest friends even) that I can be intimidating. Puh-LEEZ! It's just me... I'm just a silly human, prone to foolish whims, many of which manage to verbally find their way out. Let's revisit "a quality is not always an asset." So, yeah, I'm full of words - in addition to being (all too often) full of shit - and it all comes tumbling out, heedless of path or target.

Pass me the duct tape... or learn to deal... *wicked grin*