Self Portrait in Twenty Minutes
Image in place, fuzzy bathrobe, bean, whacky hair... check, check, check. Houston, we're good to go.
I'm going to try something that Craig (guy I got this blogging idea from) said he wanted to try. It's Friday and I feel like kicking it up a notch. So. I'm about to turn of the monitor and really go at this free-style? You ready? I'm ready.
whoa... dark in here... I type the way I play piano. By not looking down at my hands and only looking at the music in front of me, or in this case, the monirot as the words spackle the page...
now all I can see is a black rectangle... when you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back at you. Who said that? Neistchzee? I'm sure I completely fucked up his name, but I'm not even going to try if I can't see it. Knee Chi. Good enough for guvmint work.
So there's this black abyss and it is staring back at me. My own ghosty image is staring back at me. Interesting. It's dark in this room too. The only light is coming from abov the stove in the kitchen.
I'm feeling oddly secure, but... naked. Naked is ugly. This is a good as any time for me to share what's been really srtong on my mind for the past week or so. Which is my weight. It's bad. I need to do somethign about it. asap
I'm horribly overweight. I have been all my life. I was a chubby kid. I've been on countless diets and all that fuckola. I was actually doing really well before I met Steve, and then we got together and started nesting. Back to where I started. fuck
The best I was was 12 years ago when I was within 45 pounds of normal weight. I felt so good. I want that back.
It's a long road from now. I've got at least 120 total to lose. I know what to do I know how to do it I just need to do it. Everything else in my life is what I want it to be, so I have no excuse to not work on this issue. Besides, excuses are what got mehere right?right
it's not that it matters to me so much how I look. I'm too old to give half a rat's ass bout that. but I care how I feel and I care how healthy I am.
And since we're sitting here talknig in the dark? I want to feel better about having Steve's hands on me...there i said it. That was hard to do. But as much as I enjoy his touch, there is always this underyling guilt that it's not as enjoyable for him as it could be which makes it not as enjoyable for me. and... fucking hell. I already enjoy it quite a bit. I want greatness though. I want unmitigated awesomely wild screamin...
I just want to feel better.
How's my typnig? Call 1800screwit. I don't like typing crazy manic typing in the dark.
anyway. Monday I begin. This weekend we're going shopping (he doesn't know yet) for my new walking sheos and healthful food. I'm also goign to sit him down and talk to him about all this. I know how supportive he will be. He's such a good man and he only wants the very best for me. which means he want's what I feelis the very best for me. How did I get so fortunate?
It iwll be a tearful talk. This is not an easy subject for me.
monitor back on and... publish post (I'm afraid to look!)