Peace Work

I had a good day yesterday. In fact, I would classify it as a nearly great day. Sure, it was spent packing and hauling... but here's why it was so good... He Who Must Not Be Named came to help me pack and to haul some of his stuff. I had some trepidation at first, but not a lot. I mean, a person can only have power over you if you allow it, right? Of course right.

However, it went really, really well. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I spent the day with the guy I first met almost a year and a half ago... a guy who is charming, witty, warm, generous and fun to be around. We talked almost the whole time we were packing and had some of the best conversations we've ever had. It felt so good.

Part of why it felt good is because I was able to stop giving myself the old "the fuck was I thinking?!" treatment. I was able to look at him with new eyes and think... there is a good man in there, he's just not the man for me. Makes all the difference. And don't give me any bullshit about "closure." I hate that word. Fuck closure. No book got slammed shut. It's just a new chapter.

Even better, not long after he arrived, Steve called. I told him what was up and there was no question at all, no tone in his voice to suggest that he had anything but trust for me. Wow. That's what love is. When I got home and told him about the day, I kept checking him for signals, for any flash of the eye to suggest mistrust (only because I wanted to assure him if need be), but it just wasn't there. He was happy for me, happy that I'd had such a productive day in so many ways. I probably sound like an old 45 record under a scratchy needle, but the man flat out blows me away. The more I get of him, the more I love him.

The other absolutely fabulous thing about yesterday is that I got to spend time with Nino and Smoke. Himself brought them along and we had a wonderful reunion. It was so very good to get loved up by my pups again, so good to have dog schmoo added to the rest of the grime I was coated in.

When I got home last night, Steve asked, "How's my girl?" I responded, beaming at him beatifically, in a single word, "Peaceful."

For the first time since last Winter, it feels just right to be me. Nah. For the first time in years, it feels friggin' awesome to be me. Let it ride.