Don't Think... Feel

It was a month ago today that I met Steve. I will never cease to be amazed at how fast life can change, whether for good or for worse. You blink and the scenery is completely different. That fast. More often than not, that blink is only the beginning of everything being different. So goes mi vida loca.

There are big changes in store for me. I won't share them just yet (waiting for the gods in the details). Suffice it to say that I seem to be on the upswing of the Universal Bell Curve once again. Which leads me to think that maybe I passed whatever stupid fucking test I wasn't prepared for, or learned whatever stupid fucking lesson I was supposed to learn over the past few stupid fucking months. If only I felt wiser... stronger... more adept at dealing with... with shit.

As it is, my mind is blown. I'm completely overwhelmed. Yes, yes, yes... there goes Barb overthinking again. Woo. I know. The shock of that happening probably sent you off the chair and to the floor. Still, I just can't get past that feeling of "why is all this good suddenly happening to me?" Can't stop myself listening for the sound of that other shoe hitting the floor. Quelle surprise: I'm wary. And I hate the feeling. Hate that constant "what's the catch" bullshit pinging in my brain like a freekin' back-up alarm on a truck.

It's not that I doubt Steve's feelings for me or his commitment to me. Not at all. It's that I doubt the Universe's benevolence at letting me have that kind of happiness again.

I guess I'll take the words of Neil Diamond to heart: Don't think. Feel. Ain't no big deal. Just make it real, and don't think... feel.

~Don't Think... Feel, by Neil Diamond