Sunday, August 16, 2009

All the Right Reasons

This morning I was just climbing out of a deep cavern of sleep. The light was different. The window was in the wrong position. Ahh. Right. Steve's house, not my cabin. Then I heard it, whispered so softly that I almost doubted my ears. But, it was there just as deft as his touch on my cheek, "Sweetheart. I love you."

Last night he sat on the couch. I sat in front of him on the floor. He ran his fingers through my hair until it brought me to tears. "Heyyyy... what's with the snifflies?" "You make me feel like I'm the most special person in the world. In the words of Alanis, 'I'm not used to liking that.'" "Well, you are. Get used to it."
As so many of you know, when John died my heart wasn't just broken. It was shattered. Shards everywhere. It took me a long time to gather up the pieces and start gluing them back together... all the while doubting the quality of my brand of glue. Somehow, it held together, but I never really tested the strength of the mend.

So here I am now, handing it over for safe keeping. Laying it in hands that I know are gentle and caring and sure. It's a beautiful, terrifying feeling - sort of like standing at the edge of a great canyon. Though I promised John I would find love again, I never expected to find this kind of love... this quality of connection... this depth of emotion. I'm undone.

Some quiet time very soon, I will tell Steve about that night and the promises I made to John. It's only fair that he knows, considering that he's helped me keep at least one of them.


He's in it.

~All the Right Reasons, The Jayhawks

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