Friday, October 17, 2008

True Blue Yellow

I'm feeling a little bit melancholic this morning. Only a bit - it's ok. It was two years ago that John was diagnosed. Two years and a lifetime ago. Two years and just yesterday. The tristful look on his face as he told me is still as clear to me as if it were a snapshot sitting on my desk. After he gave me the initial news we both went silent. Truth is, I couldn't have forced words past the lump in my throat if I had tried. He looked down, then back up at me and said, "I always thought I'd go in some kind of heroic blaze of glory... defending some woman's honor, or taking a bullet for someone, yarding someone back from the edge of disaster..."

Oh, Honey... oh Baby, my darlin' sweet man... if you only knew. In my two years of wisdom later, it appears that's exactly what you did. I hope you can know that now. I hope you can understand that. In the movie As Good As It Gets, Jack Nicholson tells Helen Hunt, "You make me want to be a better man." Well, John... you made (and still do) me want to be a better woman. You (your life, your death, your love) engendered in me a woman of honor. The cancerous bullet you took, the bullet that forced me to watch your decline and your fight against it, that compelled me to understand exactly what is and isn't important in this life... the bullet you took freed me. And that freedom is a burden I willingly and joyfully carry. I think I understand its price more than most. You pulled me back from the edge, set me solid and turned my head to see the view. It's beautiful. Somehow, suddenly, I have all of the things in my life that I've always wanted and there's no doubt in my mind that you've played a tremendous part in that.

I was talking to Timothy last night and I made some raunchy crack. We both laughed and I said, "Clearly I spent way too much time with John." Timothy said, "No, you spent exactly the right amount of time with him." After we hung up, I got to thinking about their friendship, got to thinking about how much the man must miss his best friend - and probably often for the same reasons I do. Same reasons we all do. And then I thought, what a blessing to feel such a loss and what a credit to John's honor that so many people still say to me, "Y'know? I just miss the man."

This one's for you John - always makes me think of you... you were so much. "Look at the stars, look how they shine for you..."
Coldplay, Yellow


  1. ok GG you hit the tear machine button on that! so true words! smack dab on the point! hugs to you

  2. Damn it Barb! that's the second thing that's made me cry today for exactly the same reason. The first was the radio this morning 11:10am roughly BBC Radio 1 - they do a changing track every week day - you write in and tell a story and pick a track to go with it, it's played and your story read before hand.. Today was someone who lost their dad to cancer not before he predicted that the baby they were carrying was a baby girl, they dismissed it as he'd got the rest of the grand kids wrong, this time he was right but he never got to see her...
    Thank you..

  3. Before I came to your blog, I was feeling inside this date meant something important. And I could not put my finger on it, then I came here. As I read silently to myself the tears just came uncontrollably. My brother meant so damn much to everyone he came in contact with, and I am so damn honored to know a handful of his friends and loved ones. And clearly know there are plenty more of friends out there in this world. I wish I could meet them all.

    TRULY, he is and always will be MY HERO! The bravest man I have ever known through out my childhood, teenage years, and adulthood. I miss him more than anything.

    B... I do not tell you enough and I am sorry for that, I love YOU sister, for eternity. Don't ever forget that :) I miss you!

    Thanks for always sharing your memories of my brother. It is felt deep within my heart.


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