Sunday, June 22, 2008

Just Another Day at the Races

The drag races were, in a word, awesome. Nothin' like some horsepower to get this gal jacked. Had a blast.

Today I'm an odd mix of emotion. Can't quite put a finger on it.... but I think it's my own internal conundrum-ified self. See, my basic philosophy in life is "hope everything, expect nothing." They are words I can live with; it's a concept I'm totally in touch with. It works for me, has never done me wrong (since I put the paradigm in motion 12 years ago), and leaves me only with myself to blame when the hurt switch gets flicked.

But. It's an insane philosophy to hang with for a woman as passionate and deeply loving as I am. Thrown in to the mix is my Scorpion need for clarity. Ambiguity churns me. Yet I love a good mystery. Yeah. I'm a fuckin' mess sometimes.

So, here I am, having been reminded on several levels within the past 24 hours of where I was just over a year ago. Who I was, who I was with. Now, here I am looking to a totally different future with a different who, as I continue to become. If there's a future, is there a future, should there be... I want. Oh yes, I most definitely want. But, am I allowed to want? I know, I know... "we've" had this discussion before. Hey. It's still a little wierd for me. Think the aniversary of May 7th flipped a switch and made it all different? Nah.

I had such a great day yesterday, and I want more. Why does that make me feel so totally selfish? What the hell is wrong with me that I still, no matter how much I give, feel so friggin' undeserving? Maybe not undeserving exactly, but more like... "here, give my plate to that person over there, they obviously need a good meal."

*sigh* It is what it is. It'll be what it'll be. Worrying does no good. Simmer down, Barbara Ann.... chill, baby, chill.

"Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
with open arms and open eyes.
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there,
I'll be there, yeah."
~Incubus, Drive

4 comments:

  1. If ever I met a woman who ought to hold out her plate and catch every pea that's passed, its you, m'dear...

    For every scrumptious meal (both literal & metaphoric) you've prepared and offered, you more than have yours coming.

    So grab a spork & dig in, baybeee-- SHC.

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  2. *shakes head in wonder* As ever, Pal... you've got my back.

    PMTP....

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  3. Late as ever, so typical me of late.
    Sometimes we enjoy ourselves, yeah we do and we shouldn't feel selfish about it at all, we are all allowed sometimes to actually have fun after we cease being children.
    This is the up, you've had the down.
    Run with it barb, run with it.

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