Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Stink, Stank, Stunk

I'm not a Grinch. Really, I'm not. I'm kind and loving and fun. Granted, I'm not the most social person in the world, but I'm no wallflower either (back me up here HB!). However. When pushed in any direction, even if it's underlined with good cheer and best wishes, I will (I can promise you) dig my heels in impetuously enough that it'd make Ol' No. 7 look like a pushover. It's the stubborn side of me; the side that says "you can't make me do anything!"

Ask my Mom. Back in the day when cleaning my room (or anything) was the most odious task I could imagine, I would - on very rare occasions - take it upon myself to do so. It never failed... I'd be up there rearranging things, putting things away, digging my dirty clothes out from underneath the bed, and Mom would come by and say, "Oh good. You're finally cleaning your room!" (*cue screeching discordant halt*) After all, I was doing it because I wanted to, not because she wanted me to. When that concept got turned around, forget it. Game over.

I've gotten better over the years. I've learned that I can continue doing what I want to do, no matter anyone else's take on it. I try to take the good intentions of others for what they are, or even ignore them on occasion. Example: in younger years when I'd try losing weight, all it would take was someone saying, "Hey! Keep up the good work! You look so much better." And I'd be off and diving into the nearest bucket o' Ben n' Jerry's or plowing a sack o' Fritos. See... part of that was my own self-perception and part of it was the sideways "compliment" of it all. "Keep up the good work"... while ostensibly words of encouragement, to me they sounded like "yeah, you've got a long way to go yet." And, "you look so much better" turned into "gawd, but you were hideous!" Like I said, it was all my own perception and the fact that I couldn't face my own mirror (at the time). Now, I just don't give a shit what anyone else says. I'm doing it for me. I've learned to use my particularly tenacious brand of stubbornness for my own good.


But, I've gotten off track here. I was talking about having things pushed on me... like (*swallows gorge*) holiday cheer. For one thing, I try to be cheerful and spread cheer every day of the year - I don't wait, like so many others, to suddenly dredge some up and smear it about in a fast-paced 24-day dash. I resent that holiday music is being pushed on me in an attempt to manipulate my emotions into feeling something I don't. I used to love Christmas music - I'm a pianist, a musician - it's part of my blood. Now... I find myself gritting my teeth through songs I used to love, and thinking, "Stop pushing me, dammit!" And that's not the agnostic poly-atheist in me talking. No matter what I believe (or don't) I can appreciate songs and song lyrics I don't agree with - I'm no cretin. (I still listen to smarmy love songs don't I? Even though I know that's not how love is.) I realize there are some who wait alllllll year long for this music. Fine and dandy. Go listen to it. CDs and headphones were invented just for you. My beef is with store proprietors, ad writers, and the ilk. Stop pushing it - I'm spending less time in your store because of it. I swear to all the gods if I have to hear another tinkly accompaniment to an overly emotive vocalist touting "cheer".... (here's where I wish I could emit a hearty lionesque roar)

I know, I know. It was just yesterday I said "no tannenbaum tirades." Mea maxima culpa... 23 days to go.



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