Sunday, May 25, 2008

Barb's barbs

Why is it so difficult for me to measure my words? So often I say things without considering consequences, without giving thought to impact. Stuff flies out of my mouth like a hell-bent semi on a mission. I have a sadly inadequate filtering system. I blurt first, apologize later. It's a fault that I despise in myself. Yeah, true, things get said that are honest, but things get said that hurt. And I absolutely hate hurting anyone. If I could avoid inflictng any pain by being a hermit, to the cave I'd hie me home.

Balance, balance, balance. Where the hell is my balance? I cling to this tightrope with all ten toes, rarely fall, and yet, I've never gotten used to the shake and sway. Never quit on my respect for gravity.

Even so, even when I know it's going to cause some kind of an ouch, I have a hard time mincing words. I can't hold back on how I feel. I guess because then I feel like I'm doing myself a disservice, and I did that for far too long. I shut up entirely, lips zipped shut, locked down, and key tossed to the murk. And it hurt. It consumed me.

*sigh* Begin human.

Mea maxima culpa.

Je regret.

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