Saturday, January 26, 2008

Mona Lisa Smirk

Saturday... ahhhh. I slept in until 7 a.m.

I'm about to get ready to go over to Gwen and Maleah's house. We're going to make some Valentine cards and have dinner - slight change of plans, but life's all about flexibility. (Yes, Tom, I'm working on your labels too. You'll have the scans tomorrow.)

For those of you who worry and/or suffer from an over abundance of curiosity. I had a great time last night (she says with an enigmatic smile). I'm fine, dandy, well, sound in body and in mind, thank you very much.
So go unlock the door
And find what you are here for
Leave the great indoors
Please leave the great indoors
Check your pulse
Its proof that you're not listening to
The call your life's been issuing you
The rhythm of a line of idle days
~John Mayer, Great Indoors



It's strange to me to allow myself to not only be attracted to, but desire men other than John. I don't know if I can explain it, but in trying to, maybe I'll understand it. When I'm in a relationship, I'm in it 100%. While I can appreciate another man's good looks or charming spirit, there's no real desire there, because all I want is what I've already got. And maybe I'm an anomaly in feeling that way - I often think so. So, here I am, still deeply in love with a guy who's been dead for nearly 9 months, and I'm giving myself the freedom to... to want. Actually, I gave myself that freedom back in October. I just couldn't verbalize it. It's just a strange feeling... certainly not a guilty feeling, which was what I would have expected of myself. It's definitely a feeling of freedom, of adventure...of, hmm.. maybe discovery - the discovery of what I'm made of, and what I'll take, and what I'll give as the New and Improved Gypsy Girl.

I don't know what it is really, and I fear I'm rambling a bit. But, I like it. I like it a lot. I love the way I feel - I think, because for the first time in my life, I really love being myself. There's no one I'd rather be. Funny, I was just telling Wendi the other night that I feel really, really great. Yeah, I'm sad inside too, and that will never disappear, but I have this overall sort of... feeling of wholeness. It's as if all the cracked eggs have become a superb quiche. Yeah. That's it. (Jack Nicholson said, "People who speak in metaphors should shampoo my crotch!" Sorry Jack... it's all about the wordplay.)

I just wish I could bottle and market the way I feel.

I know... write... publish... submit, submit, submit...

2 comments:

  1. I love it! The mourning cloak is being lifted, the windows to the heart, soul and mind are being thrown wide open to allow fresh air, thoughts, feelings and desires in, and the eagle soars happy and high above.
    Love you Kemosabi,
    Tonto

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  2. Wow. Tonto... WOW! How did I miss this comment until now?! (6-Feb-08) You wonder why we're pals? Because you 'get' me, my friend. This ol' Lone Rangeress couldn't have asked for a better sidekick. (Anyone worth their salt could recognize that Tonto was way more than ever given credit for!)

    I love you, too. You are one of the handful that has made it possible, when everything seemed bleak and unrelenting, for me to keep breathing this past year.

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