Thursday, November 18, 2010
It's making it difficult for me to consolidate a single thought into something writable. Or readable. Or. You see?
I thought, "Eh. So skip the post today. The world can live without your amazing intelligence and wit for 24 hours." But, I can't. I've gotten so used to being 'here' every morning. It's become as essential to my day, it seems, as my morning bean infusion. Sure, some days the coffee tastes a little crappy, or it sits ignored until it's cold, but it's always there, always has to be there.
To not come here and write something, anything, would be like walking with my head down, ignoring smiles and hellos, and pretending nothing matters except my destination. I've done that. That was the old Barb, the Barb of decades past. I can't not write. Just as I can't not make art.
In fact, I'm busier than I've ever been. I've been putting in 8-9 hour days in my studio. Sometimes more. When I worked out in the world, I would drag myself out of bed every morning, sullenly shower and get ready, sigh heavily the whole drive to work, and then spend 8 hours wishing I was back in bed. Now, I have a hard time making myself sleep past 5 a.m.. I get up, sip my bean, do my computer-y schtuff, and then I'm off to The Rabbit Hole to make art.
I fear losing my balance. I tell myself it's okay to just hang for a few minutes, relax on the sofa and do nothing. I tell myself it's okay to read a book or watch a little TV, or even nap for a few minutes. I tell myself that, but my stubborn inner child stomps and says, "I'm not tired! You can't make me!!" And runs off to play. I have such a hard time doing nothing. I used to be able to. I don't know when that ability disappeared. Or why. But I know I've got to get it back to good.
And just as I'm writing this, I see a status update in the other tab that is open to Facebook. It's my friend Sue (of SueDoodles - here) who says, "What if it was your downtime, your lounging-in-bed-too-long time, your walkabout time, and your blow-Friday-off time that made possible your greatest achievements? Would they still make you feel guilty? Or would you allow yourself to enjoy them?"
I accused her of hitting me upside the head too hard. Because I know full well that my so-called "down" time is where some of my best ideas have come from. But I've stopped allowing it.
So, my commitment to myself and everyone concerned... no less than 15 minutes of down time per day. Aw, man... do I have to?!
Yes. I do.
Posted by Barb Black at 8:23:00 AM