Tuesday, January 27, 2009

One Is Just A Number

I think I've defined the restless feeling I've been having lately. It's loneliness. That strikes me as odd for a couple of reasons. One is that I never would have suspected loneliness to be a restless feeling. The other is that it's extremely rare that I do feel lonely (hence not initially recognizing it for what it is).

It's always been interesting to me that although I'm a basically friendly person, I don't have a wide circle of friends. At the same time, I'm very aware of the reasons for this. The "I's" have it - Insulation and Isolation. I've lost too many too soon, too unfairly. So, I insulate myself - I can only be so open and let so much in (and, I suppose, give so much) before my wall goes up. Only those who are persistent in their love o' Barb ever manage to make a hole big enough to crawl through. And, once in, they're stuck for good.

Then there's my self-imposed isolation - 47 years of it - all of the banishing myself from the public because I felt uninteresting and unworthy, while at the same time recognizing that I'm all too often way too intense. Dumb, I know, but true enough and there it is. I'm no good at small talk and have little patience for it. I go in one of two directions. I'll spend 30 seconds on the weather and then either I'll look for the door, or I'll launch into something meaty enough that the person I'm talking to does the obvious sideways glance toward the door. I have no boundaries and no filtering system. So, unless a person is equal to the task (and I'm so thankful for those of you who are!), I can't hang and most of the time the other person doesn't want to. That sounds a little ostentatious, I know, but it really isn't. It's a failing of sorts. It's easier for me to turn my feelings and energy toward art than to "waste" time building a relationship.

So, I find myself alone most of the time. Alone, but hardly ever lonely. The good friends I have are miles and miles away (hell, where I live, everyone is miles and miles away) and/or busy. I can deal with that. Most of the time. Just that... every now and again it'd be fun to have someone to just hang with. I think that's where John spoiled me... I was used to him, used to talking and not talking, used to the rests between the notes, the step and parry. I only know two other people that I feel that completely at ease with (you know who you are) - hurry up and visit.

Still, all that being said, I don't find loneliness to be a depressing state as so many do. It just makes me restless. No wonder I love my dog. Time to go for a good long walk.

One is just a number... the first of many prime numbers.

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