Suddenly I See

During my walk yesterday I discovered my new absolute favorite walking tune. Really, this is it - I‘ve discovered my anthem. I’ve heard it many times before, but not since I began training for the 3Day; not since I’ve had my eye to this telescope (*wink to KT*). I’m talking about yet another fabulous KT Tunstall tune. And a nod here to my new Scottish pal Gordon, as KT hails from his hometown in Scotland. The song is, “Suddenly I See.” And…well, geez… suddenly I see. This is what it’s all about for me. It’s about becoming; it’s about being here now; it’s about doing; it’s about power; it’s about living as loud as I can; it‘s about how I want to be perceived by others. I want people to look at me and say, “What the hell is that glow? What is that … that… thing beaming off of her?!” And not because I want the notoriety, but because I want to wake people. I want everyone in the world to understand how beautiful this life is, and how incredibly short it is. No matter how long each of us has, it’s not long enough - not long enough for yourself; and I guarantee, it’s not long enough for those who love you. I’m not just trying to be smarmy here - I really do believe this. Life is so, so, so precious. Life is what we each, individually, make it. It’s hard work, but any fine meal is hard work; any awe-inspiring artistic masterpiece is hard work; love is hard work. Life takes effort, but the end more than justifies the means.

A year ago December, during one of John’s hospital stays, a profound thing happened to me that I’m just beginning to really realize. I was on my way to visit John, and as I got to his room, as sense of calm fell over me. I slowed my steps and paused in the doorway long enough to see a small woman who was slightly bent over a cane, standing next to his bed, talking quietly and intently. John was in a loose lotus position on the bed (it was always odd for me to see him, as a paraplegic, cross his legs or sit “Indian“ style - I don‘t know why), and he was very obviously rapt by whatever she was saying to him. I crept quietly into the room, not wanting to disturb, and John, more peaceful than I’d seen him since long before his diagnosis, calmly said, “Hi Sweetie.” The woman, now obviously blind, turned and held out her hand toward me. Not a word was said as to who I was (except for the “hi sweetie“), but she said, “You must be The Great Love.” And she said it with such reverence that I was immediately humbled by it. I didn’t blush; I didn’t try to make light of it; I felt I had entered the holy of holies; I simply said, “As he is mine.“ (Looking back, I think that may have been our marriage ceremony.) She continued to talk to John very calmly about his journey, about the journey we’re all on - this vague and amorphous path through life and into death. Then she ended by saying a very quiet, simple Buddhist type of prayer. “John, may you find peace in your journey,” here she gestured toward me. “And may this Great Love be your strength.” Then she hugged John. Then, as she hugged me, she whispered in my ear… this small blind woman who didn‘t know me at all; who had only met me moments before… she whispered, “You… shine.” John didn’t hear her say that, and I never told him she did. I think it was just for me to hear, to hold on to. Until now. But… wow.

“I feel like walking the world…” It's an amazing journey, if we'll just let it be.



Her face is a map of the world
Is a map of the world
You can see she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it
It makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm

Suddenly I see
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see
Why the hell it means so much to me

I feel like walking the world
Like walking the world
You can hear she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
She fills up every corner like she's born in black and white
Makes you feel warmer when you're trying to remember
What you heard
She likes to leave you hanging on a word

Suddenly I see
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see
Why the hell it means so much to me

And she's taller than most
And she's looking at me
I can see her eyes looking from a page in a magazine
Oh she makes me feel like I could be a tower
A big strong tower
She got the power to be
The power to give
The power to see, yeah yeah

Suddenly I see
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see
Why the hell it means so much to me
~KT Tunstall