Tuesday, March 23, 2010

These Are The Days

It's Spring. It's time, once again, for me to feel like I need to shed a layer or two... of my own skin. This time of year makes me internally restless. It's a time when, fostered by events of the past, that I re-evaluate who I am, what I want, and what I'm doing with my life. It's always been that way to some extent, but it's become even more so in the past three years.

Three years ago at this time, my dear mate John was quickly losing the battle with cancer. Three years ago I was in the deep despair of saying goodbye to the person I loved most on this earth. I wasn't thinking much about myself, only about the frustration and futility in trying to keep John comfortable and with me for as long as I could. As much as I wanted to obliterate the feeling, I couldn't. I couldn't, not just because John was still alive, but because I knew that I had to allow myself to feel everything I was going through. I knew it was somehow important.

Two years ago at this time, I was going through the end of the one year grieving period after losing John. I was dissatisfied with my job, with where I was living, with what I was doing with my life and with the dead-end feeling of it all. I wanted to peel off my skin. I wanted to run wild. I wanted to experience something truly joyful. But, again, I knew that I had to allow myself to feel everything I was going through. I knew it was somehow important.

Last year at this time, I had just lost my job and was frantic about finances. I was mired in a relationship that I knew was all wrong for me. I knew there was something better, something more, but I was too wrapped up in circumstance to focus enough to see it. I felt like everything I really wanted and needed was lost and floating downstream on the river I was living next to. I was aware that my life was unravelling - not necessarily in a bad way - in a way that made me realize a big change was coming. So, I began to say goodbye to things, material things and expectations. Once more, I knew that I had to allow myself to feel everything I was going through. I knew it was somehow important.

Spring 2010. I've now been out of the corporate world for over a year. I've begun to make money off of the thing I most love to do - art. I'm in a healthy, loving, wonderful relationship with a guy who appreciates me just because I'm Barb. As odd as it feels, for the first time in my life I'm with someone who wants to take care of me. My life has never been this good. Yes, I'm allowing myself to feel everything I'm going through. I know it is somehow important.

This is a time in my life that will carry me. This is a time that, even in any darker days that might await, will shine through the rest of my life with the idea that yes, it can be that good. Now I know. Yes, I'm still restless with the Spring. As much as I have right now, there's so much more I want... not in a needy, greedy way, just in a let-me-make-my-life-all-I-can way. So, I'm busy peeling off a few figurative layers of skin, all the while enjoying the co-mingling feel of the cool breeze and the warmth of the sun.

These are the times of love and meaning
Ice of the heart has melted away and found the light
These are the days of endless dreaming
Troubles of life are floating away like a bird in flight

~Jamie Cullum, These Are The Days

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