If I total up all of the losses (of various sorts) in my life, the list is daunting. I would say they are balanced by the good rather than outweighed by the good (using an opposite ends of the spectrum approach versus measurable magnitude). Still, as I’ve said before, I wouldn’t trade a minute, because all of it has made me who I am, and I happen to rather like who I am. I'm not a worrier. I don't stew and fret over realities, much less intangible possibilities. It's not fear either.
So, what is it that keeps my ear constantly tuned in to the idea of a single shoe hitting the floor? What is it that makes me look at a glorious Spring sky and, even as I appreciate the enormous beauty of it, wonder when it's all going to fall in? I just don't get it. Someone tell me, because this has been bugging me for a while now.
I mean, here I am, finally at a point in my life where I like who I am, I have a wonderful guy in my life, with the exception of some fun, luxury stuff, I really don't want for anything, I have amazing, loving and kind friends from all over the globe, I've been given the latitude to pursue my creative, artistic side, and I'm living in an area that bursts with natural beauty. And I appreciate it all, I do and I enjoy every minute. I'm fully aware of and grateful for how blessed my life is. I know that this life spins and changes on a very thin dime. I know nothing lasts forever. I don't expect it to. But isn't constantly listening for a sudden, disruptive, dischordant crash a little extreme? So, where does the feeling come from and how do I get rid of it, 'cause it's driving me nuts.
I posted the link to this blog on facebook. A couple people wrote back interesting responses. One friend had the idea that it's merely my animal instinct kicking in. I like that. Another said, "I think the Buddhists call it 'chattering monkeys'. We all have it and it is very hard to turn off." I about fell off my chair as I hollered "Eureka!!!" I think that sums it up well.
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