Yes, I'm still here. We had a few days of very nice weather and I was kept busy cleaning, reorganizing, wandering and pondering. I have some boulder sized weight on my mind that has turned me fairly introspective. I spend a lot of time staring at the river, and even more at the river rocks.
I find it intriguing that I find solace in the rocks. From the time I was a young child probably up until I was well into my teens, I had recurring nightmares about rock monsters. I probably had the dream at least once a month, sometimes more, and it was always extremely vivid and terrifying.
The dream was always exactly the same. My family was winding down for the evening in my Dad's camper, parked in some bucolic Michigan wilderness place. Suddenly we'd hear loud growling, thudding, and the grinding noise that stone makes when rubbed against itself. We all huddled in horror, petrified as the monsters would get closer to the camper and start to shake it back and forth. Without fail, and against my better judgment, I would turn my head and look out the window. Seeing the sheer size of the monsters and the nihilistic hatred on their craggy faces would always wake me in a fit of dread.
Clearly, these dreams were a signal that I felt something in my life was entirely out of control, even at that young age. So, I do find it interesting that in my currently stressed mode, I would turn to the river rocks for meditation and comfort. Perhaps it's a sign that I've made peace with some of my childhood anxieties, or maybe it's a sign that I no longer perceive my own imagination to be the enemy.
Or, maybe I just need to stare at the damned rocks and chill out.