Saturday, October 31, 2009

Fear Knot

Happy Halloween!

I don't have phobias. Nothing is as frightening to me as the monster that dwells within. There's a creature (or two) that inhabits my mind that keeps me on tip-toes and whispering so's not to wake the hideous beast. It leaves me with that fumbling in the dark egads-what-is-that-thing feeling. Call me crazy, but you know you've got one (or two) as well.

My biggest monster is fear itself. And it's all intangible fear. I'm not afraid of anything I can see, hear or touch. I'm afraid of things that defy definition, of things that I know will try to mentally hobble me.

Mostly I'm afraid of the thing John forgot to tell me about when he made me promise to love again. By allowing myself to love Steve as deeply as I do, I've set myself up. I fear the day I'll be forced to say goodbye again. As I watched Steve move around the place yesterday I thought, "I don't care if it's 3 days, 3 months, 3 years or 30 years. It will come much too soon and it will be unbearable." Utterly. I know, I know. Really, I'm optimistic and I don't think doomsday thoughts (I'm so Pollyanna sometimes that I sparkle). It's just that I've met the inevitable and I never forget a face.

But. I'm not in a gloomy mood at all today. It's a beautiful Fall day. I'm having fun watching all the costumed kiddies wander around. My mate is off working on the other side of the mountains and I'm going to clean and bake some pumpkin bread. Life is wonderful.

Life is wonderful, Barb. Shut up and stand in it.

Just for fun.... (for you prudes [*what?! in my audience?!*] don't worry, the title isn't what it seems)

~Wet Dream, Kip Addotta

1 comment:

  1. Don't give up, Barb. I know you can be stronger then you think you can.

    Just spend some more time thinking about.. Now. Present.

    Also I might have some music to share with you sometime when we get a chance.

    ReplyDelete